Site under Construction / Review

Not for commercial use at this moment. No subscriptions, no payments, no real API. This is a concept and satirical project only.

humanityasaservice.de
▲SINCERITY /API/v2 — 12ms▲EMPATHY POOL: 87% capacity▲PRESENCE: 99.98% — restored▲MORAL CLARITY: operational▲GRIEF QUEUE: 1,204 waiting▲SMALL TALK: nominal▲HOPE: rate-limited▲OUTAGE — attention span, region EU-WEST▲DIGNITY: eventually consistent▲SINCERITY /API/v2 — 12ms▲EMPATHY POOL: 87% capacity▲PRESENCE: 99.98% — restored▲MORAL CLARITY: operational▲GRIEF QUEUE: 1,204 waiting▲SMALL TALK: nominal▲HOPE: rate-limited▲OUTAGE — attention span, region EU-WEST▲DIGNITY: eventually consistent▲SINCERITY /API/v2 — 12ms▲EMPATHY POOL: 87% capacity▲PRESENCE: 99.98% — restored▲MORAL CLARITY: operational▲GRIEF QUEUE: 1,204 waiting▲SMALL TALK: nominal▲HOPE: rate-limited▲OUTAGE — attention span, region EU-WEST▲DIGNITY: eventually consistent▲SINCERITY /API/v2 — 12ms▲EMPATHY POOL: 87% capacity▲PRESENCE: 99.98% — restored▲MORAL CLARITY: operational▲GRIEF QUEUE: 1,204 waiting▲SMALL TALK: nominal▲HOPE: rate-limited▲OUTAGE — attention span, region EU-WEST▲DIGNITY: eventually consistent
v2.026 · Munich / San Francisco / Nowhere

Being human,
on demand.

The world's first subscription service for the qualities you no longer have time for. Empathy, presence, moral clarity — delivered via a clean REST API, billed monthly, cancel anytime (you won't).

Start free trialRead the manifesto
§ Manifesto

Five uncomfortable observations.

Read slowly. Preferably out loud. Preferably to a person.

  1. 01

    We optimised farming. Then attention. Then intimacy. Humanity was the next obvious quarter.

  2. 02

    You already outsource memory to your phone, patience to your calendar, and taste to an algorithm. This is the logical conclusion.

  3. 03

    We do not replace you. We wrap you in a thin abstraction layer, monetise the delta, and bill monthly in Euro.

  4. 04

    Every feeling has a rate card. Every apology, a receipt. Every silence, a metric.

  5. 05

    If this website makes you uncomfortable, the product is working.

§ Pricing

Choose your humanity plan.

All plans include a 14-day existential crisis, free of charge.

Starter Soul

For the emotionally curious.

€0/forever
  • ✕3 moments of presence / month
  • ✕Basic eye contact (up to 2 sec)
  • ✕1 unprompted 'how are you?'
  • ✕Community-tier empathy

Pro Human

Popular

For managers, founders, and other robots.

€49/month
  • ✕Unlimited sincere apologies
  • ✕On-demand small talk (weather, dogs, weekend)
  • ✕Grief support — same day dispatch
  • ✕1 uncomfortable truth per week
  • ✕Priority forgiveness queue

Enterprise Dignity

For governments, platforms, and the polycrisis.

Let's talk
  • ✕Dedicated moral compass (SLA 99.9%)
  • ✕Cultural sensitivity middleware
  • ✕Custom conscience integrations
  • ✕Compliance: GDPR, EU AI Act, Kant
§ Developer API

POST /v2/apologise

One endpoint. Any relationship. We take care of tone, latency, and plausible deniability. SDKs available for TypeScript, Python, and marriage counselling.

RESTgRPCWebhookTelepathy (beta)
example.request.ts200 OK · 143ms
await haas.apologise({
  to:        "mother",
  regarding: "not calling since easter",
  tone:      "warm-but-not-desperate",
  length:    "medium",
  sincerity: 0.82,        // 0-1, billed per 0.1
  followup:  { call: true, within_days: 3 },
});

// → { id: "apo_9f21", sent_at: "2026-07-01T14:22:11Z",
//     estimated_forgiveness: 0.71, cost_eur: 4.90 }
Also available: /forgive · /listen · /remember-birthdays · /mean-it
§ System status — live
Empathy
99.94%
● operational
Presence
99.98%
● operational
Moral clarity
99.87%
● operational
Small talk
99.99%
● operational
§ Contact

Say something.

Press inquiries, collaboration ideas, uncomfortable observations of your own — all welcome. Real humans reply from Munich, usually within 48 hours.

Or write directly: hello@humanityasaservice.de

Opens your email client · no data stored

Or — and hear us out —
just call your mother.

humanityasaservice.de is a satirical project about the industrialisation of feeling. No API exists. No subscription is real. The discomfort, however, is included at no extra cost.